I Miss You Today

and i hope you miss me too
but somewhere you are silent
i hope to hear from you

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

l:galit ka pa ba sakin?
s: i don't know
l: i guess that's a yes
s: i can't say
s: it's not a yes nor a no
s: maybe it's in between
l: am i that mean?
l: hehe
s: do you really want to know why i can't get over it?
s: but it's already unnecessary for me to say it.
s: and i don't want to say things that would ruin everything all over again
s: but i've been living with this burden for a very long time now
l: then you have to tell me
l: i dont think anything's going to be ruined anyway
l: what i mean is, whatever it is that you have to say ill just take it
l: and if it's really a burden you have to say it..
l: so, the floor is yours..
s: ok
s: let me start from the beggining
s: before we broke up and i was spending a lot of time in bulacan
l: just keep going, i'll just read first and wont comment until you're done
s: i was doing a lot of work
s: and earning money which i never told you
s: and i have no intention of telling you
s: coz i wanted to give you something special for your birthday
s: something special that i was hoping you'd keep it for as long as you can
s: maybe i got to busy and preoccupied
s: but never did a day pass by that i didn't think of you
s: coz i love you
s: until now
s: i was hoping on getting you a ring
s: it was an engagement ring
s: coz with those days that i am not with you
s: i saw me with out you
s: and me with out you is something that i can't be
s: i wanted to spend my life with you
s: have a family
s: i really do
s: but then again i realized
s: it is what i want
s: not what you and i wanted
s: when you left me
s: the whole world crashed
s: i didn't know where to pick up the pieces and how to put them back together
s: i was hurt and still in pain
s: maybe that's the reason why i can't get over this feeling
s: maybe i am not really mad at you
s: maybe i am disappointed with myself
s: coz i can't be that guy
s: this is all i can be
s: maybe you need more
s: sorry if i can't be better
s: but i tried
s: sorry
l: i dont know what to say..
s: you don't have to say anything
l: thank you..
l: and im sorry..
s: ok
l: but you never even tried..
l: i mean you just accepted that it ended
l: and i moved on..
s: coz you're the one who left me
s: twice
s: and i fear that you'll leave me again
s: i realized i wasn't enough
s: i can't give or provide what you want
l: is it okay for me to say things that will not help? i mean, i'm just gonna hurt you more but i think you need to know
l: or maybe i just want you to know
s: i don't know if i can handle it.
l: how about things that concern the past?
s: why?
l: i dont know just yet
l: maybe it's so you would understand
l: or maybe it bothers me
s: you know what. i understand
l: or maybe because of what you just said i need you to know what went wrong
s: even if you don't say it
l: ok
s: maybe i just don't want to hear it again
s: i agree with what you said
s: i am not strong enough to hear it

What Right Do I Have...

to miss you, when i was the one who said goodbye
to linger with our bitter-sweet memories, when the bitterness is my fault
to try to contact you, when i have nothing to say
to come back, when i have nothing concrete to offer
to feel your pain, when i was the one who brought it

None.

taralets!

"hello. =D"

"hallo! :D"

"napatawag ka.."

"la lang. kumain ka na? tara kain tayo, gutom ako."

"uhm, cge andito ako sa gale."

"hm, uuwi ka pa ba ng condo? puntahan nalang kita jan."

"ok. ano gusto mo kainin?"

"light lang. sige kaw na bahala mag-isip."

"oks. c u l8r."

~~~~~
"tumatawag ka kanina? =D"

"uhm.. mag-aaya sana akong magdinner.. pero nakakain nko.."

"hm.. ah, ok.."

~~~~~
"masarap daw yung food jan, sabi ng kuya ko. korean food.. kain tayo jan minsan."

"cge. lunch tayo jan minsan. :)"

~~~~~
"psst. busy ka later?"

"di naman, bakit?"

"ayain sana kita dinner or coffee."

"cge. around wat time kaya?"

"mga 6pm siguro alis nako ofc."

"cge, txt2 nalang later"

"okidoks!"

~~~~~
"may gusto ako itry na frozen yoghurt. sa summer kakain talaga ako dun. blah blah blah..."

"ok lang ba sayo 130?"

"bakit 1:30? ok lang, gusto mo magfrozen yoghurt?"

"huh? di no! i mean 130 tayo kabilis. hehe ;D"

~~~~~
"may masarap na kainan ng thai food sa balibago. blah blah blah. kain tayo dun minsan."

"cge. :)"

~~~~~

ano, hanggang kain nalang? hanggang dyan nalang siguro talaga..

tara, gutom nako.. kain nalang tayo.. what are friends for di ba? :)

more than friends but not lovers

why do i love going back to this confusing situation? why do i like treading the fine line between friendship and love? it's been ten years, we've been on and off with relationships, and still nothing happened between us... why can't i just let go and move on?

i remember back in college, when he told M he thinks he's falling in love with me. i just pretended not to know anything and slowly distanced myself a bit. at that time, i just dont like him enough. silly me. some months after that, he told us that he and one of his close friends are officially together. i dont know if they noticed, but that was a real shock to me. what?!? you just said you're falling in love with me... oh well, months have passed anyway. i guess he moved on. suddenly he was away. apparently, our friendship and his new relationship cannot co-exist. i was mad at him for not fighting for our friendship. sadly, our friendship was not as special as i thought it was. i moved on... or so i thought.

he became so distant that our friendship seem to have faded to mere acquaintance level. he eventually broke up with his girl, met new friends, became active in his org, had new love interests and aced his acads. we would see each other occasionnaly (oftentimes just incidentally), but it was never the same. he has his new world where i no longer exist. i always felt that he has his new life where i do not belong. i, on the other hand, fell in love with our other close guy friend. but i guess it's just that stage in friendship where you have to realize that it's platonic love, you're just friends and nothing more, laugh about it and become really good friends. i had my own org where i became busy, i met new friends and had a life where he did not belong as well. i moved on... or so i thought.

to be continued...

Unsent Letter to S

Hello Hon...

I'm sorry that I am still calling you "hon" when we already broke up. I know you hate the irony of it. But I want to. Because it still feels right to me. Because you are still special to me.

But this is the last time. After this, I'll be sensitive. I'll call you with your name. I know you prefer that.

I'm sorry that I broke your heart. I never wanted to but I know that I have to. I wanted to make it easy, but I guess there's just no way. As the cliche goes, there's no easy way to break somebody's heart. I'm sorry that I'm leaving you, that I will no longer be around to support you, to listen to your problems, to inspire you, to grieve with your failures, to celebrate with your accomplishments, to have dinner with you, to travel with you, to fight with you, to watch movies with you, to share a life with you. I'm sorry that we are not on the same page, that I cannot see a future of us together, that I am giving up. And I'm sorry that you don't understand how I can let go of "us".

When we were not yet together, we would stay up late to chat on the internet and listen to songs at the same time. Not even distance or time could come between us. I remember that whole container of chicken sandwich spread that you prepared for me, so I can make my own sandwiches for instant breakfast or baon sa office. It was so sweet, you even included pastrami and cheese slices and sandwich bags. I will never forget that time.

When we became a couple, I remember that you were the one who always cooked for us, that you won't even let me wash the dishes. And then you would always drive me home even though it's really late and you have to take cab on your way back.

When you were away, I am still lucky to have someone thinking of me, reminding me not to miss my meals, asking me about my day, greeting me in the morning and waiting for me to be home at night.

Why did I forget about these lovely things that you do for me? Am I asking so much, am I too busy to appreciate you or am I too clouded by disappointment that I forgot about the good stuff?

We used to always agree on things. How come we suddenly just fight about anything and everything? I think, you think you're always right. But you say I always want to be right. How come we don't last five minutes in the car without bickering? Being a person who always have a positive outlook in life, it frustrates me that you are most of the time sarcastic and ill-tempered. Why did I come to a point that I no longer enjoy the time I spent with you? Your take on life is most of the time negative that instead of being able to relax after work, I tend to become more stressed out.

I don't know if you appreciate it, but I never said no to any invitation from you or your family. If I have to commute from our province to yours, I will do so. If I have to drive late at night just so I can drop you home and spend time with your family, I will do so. If I have to get off early from work to attend your sister's debut, I will do so... wholeheartedly. How come you always decline to my request (and insistence) for you to visit our home? Didn't you realize how important that was to me?

You may not agree with me, but you are still young, your way of thinking is very different from mine. Sometimes, I do not agree with your priorities or your principles. I don't think that is healthy at all. I feel that, I am more independent than you are and I am not used to people who are not as independent as I am. I am used to deciding on my own, to knowing what is right or wrong, to be surrounded with people who decide on their own and who are responsible for their actions. That you need to ask for your parent's approval in almost everything that you do is not something I understand. I am really sorry. I am not asking and will never ask you to disobey your parents for any reason, I won't interfere with that. I just think that you have to learn to be more responsible and independent than you are now. And I think, you have to learn that on your own. I, on the other hand, need someone who is more independent and whose personality jives with mine.

I believe that we both lack the right initiatives to make the relationship work. I feel that your efforts are not enough. Although I understand that you are in a difficult situation, that it is hard for you to do the things that you want to do, I believe that if you really want to, there's always a way. You may not agree with me, but most of the time, you are just doing things that are convenient to you. It hurts me a lot to realize that you are not going out of your way to make this work. On the other hand, I admit that I have my own shortcomings. I am guilty of the same.

I'm saying these not to blame you nor to explain my shortcomings. I just want you to hear what I have to say, to understand me in some way. In the end, I think it only boils down to the fact that I am no longer happy with our relationship. I am already clouded with disappointments and my own shortcomings that I know I will no longer become the good girlfriend that I want to be and that you deserve. I want to give up now, while I still have good memories to bring with me and while we have not yet suffered so much. I know within me that at this point, our relationship will no longer work and the only way to save it is to let it go. I think that it is time for both of us to move on. I have a life to chase and you have a life to live. You are still young and I am sure that you'll meet a lot of people that will mold you into the person you are destined to be. Maybe someday our paths will cross again, and who knows what will happen then? Maybe we could be together again, or maybe I'll be chasing after you. Maybe by then you have forgotten about me and met someone more worthy of your love. Someone who will love you more than I do right now, the way you need and deserve to be loved. We may never know, until we move on and live our lives.

I want you to be happy, to let go of your baggage. I want you to love yourself, to appreciate life, to find happiness in the things that surround you.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me become part of your life and your family. Thank you for the kindness you showed me. Thank you for everything and I really hope that you may understand me and we can be friends. Goodbye and till we meet again..

Words Without Meaning

So close...

It was the first email I opened when I got to the office. As I was reading thru it, I could hear my heart beating fast.. each word echoes repeatedly in my head. I can't breathe...

Happiness, regret, sadness, bliss, confusion and pain... all at once. For a moment, I thought it was a special letter, a poem he came across somewhere. For a few minutes, I completely believed it was all what he wanted to tell me.

Realization came pouring. Just how much was I longing for this instance. A moment of confirmation, of confession. How I wanted to be secured that our feelings are mutual. Just for a few minutes, I was finally happy. But within a fingersnap, an unbearable pain. Pain... knowing, we can't be together. Pain.. thinking of how much he could be suffering. I had to breathe so deep to keep the tears from falling.

But at the back of my mind, there was a tiny voice asking me to stop my wishful thinking, to wake up to reality. It just won't happen. I know I'm missing something. It's just too good to be true.

I tried hard to remember that time. Where were we then? I know he was telling me something about this. Was it inside the car? On our way back from the coffee shop or the day after on our way to the expo? What was he telling me about So Close? Is it a poem? A song perhaps?

I need to know. I immediately searched for the words on the internet. I found out that it was a song from the movie Enchanted. The song played when the princess and her love were dancing but ended up in different arms.

Some memories are coming back now.. in puzzles.. But still, I can't remember our conversation. I still can't remember if it was on our way home or to the expo. It matters that I remember, but I can't and it frustrates me. I do remember something, vaguely. I think he asked me if I received his email. Was it this email? Or was it a different email. Did he mention it because he related it to a song being played at that moment? Have I gotten the details of our conversations mixed up? I know it was while listening to the radio or the MP3 player.

I was scrambling thru my thoughts. I was so confused. I can feel my heart being crushed. I need to know. The fast beating of my heart only means one thing. I still have feelings for him. But just as it is in the movie, I know it won't be a happy ending. I can't be with him. I am with someone else now and he's a really great guy and I love him. But my love for him is wavering. It was a dilemma. I wouldn't know what to do. The confusion is just too much to take.

Then, I woke up to reality. Why am I torturing myself with such confusion, with such thoughts, when Im not even sure if I got the message right. Was there even a message at all? Maybe, it was simply a supplement for an innocent conversation we had last time. I realized I was just fooling myself. I don't need to know. I just need to wake up.

As I slowly come back to my rational thoughts, I can't help but feel empty. Once again... the words lost their meaning.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So Close

You're In My Arms
And All The World is Calm
The Music playing on for only two
So Close Together
And when I'm With You
So Close to Feeling Alive.

A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever i know
All that i wanted is to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy ending
Almost believing this one's not pretend
And Now you're beside me and look how far we've come
So far, We are, So close

And How I could i face the faceless days
If I should lose you now

We're so close
To reaching that famous happy ending
Almost believing this ones not pretend
Let's go on, on dreaming for we know
We Are
So Close
So Close
And Still so far