Unsent Letter to S

Hello Hon...

I'm sorry that I am still calling you "hon" when we already broke up. I know you hate the irony of it. But I want to. Because it still feels right to me. Because you are still special to me.

But this is the last time. After this, I'll be sensitive. I'll call you with your name. I know you prefer that.

I'm sorry that I broke your heart. I never wanted to but I know that I have to. I wanted to make it easy, but I guess there's just no way. As the cliche goes, there's no easy way to break somebody's heart. I'm sorry that I'm leaving you, that I will no longer be around to support you, to listen to your problems, to inspire you, to grieve with your failures, to celebrate with your accomplishments, to have dinner with you, to travel with you, to fight with you, to watch movies with you, to share a life with you. I'm sorry that we are not on the same page, that I cannot see a future of us together, that I am giving up. And I'm sorry that you don't understand how I can let go of "us".

When we were not yet together, we would stay up late to chat on the internet and listen to songs at the same time. Not even distance or time could come between us. I remember that whole container of chicken sandwich spread that you prepared for me, so I can make my own sandwiches for instant breakfast or baon sa office. It was so sweet, you even included pastrami and cheese slices and sandwich bags. I will never forget that time.

When we became a couple, I remember that you were the one who always cooked for us, that you won't even let me wash the dishes. And then you would always drive me home even though it's really late and you have to take cab on your way back.

When you were away, I am still lucky to have someone thinking of me, reminding me not to miss my meals, asking me about my day, greeting me in the morning and waiting for me to be home at night.

Why did I forget about these lovely things that you do for me? Am I asking so much, am I too busy to appreciate you or am I too clouded by disappointment that I forgot about the good stuff?

We used to always agree on things. How come we suddenly just fight about anything and everything? I think, you think you're always right. But you say I always want to be right. How come we don't last five minutes in the car without bickering? Being a person who always have a positive outlook in life, it frustrates me that you are most of the time sarcastic and ill-tempered. Why did I come to a point that I no longer enjoy the time I spent with you? Your take on life is most of the time negative that instead of being able to relax after work, I tend to become more stressed out.

I don't know if you appreciate it, but I never said no to any invitation from you or your family. If I have to commute from our province to yours, I will do so. If I have to drive late at night just so I can drop you home and spend time with your family, I will do so. If I have to get off early from work to attend your sister's debut, I will do so... wholeheartedly. How come you always decline to my request (and insistence) for you to visit our home? Didn't you realize how important that was to me?

You may not agree with me, but you are still young, your way of thinking is very different from mine. Sometimes, I do not agree with your priorities or your principles. I don't think that is healthy at all. I feel that, I am more independent than you are and I am not used to people who are not as independent as I am. I am used to deciding on my own, to knowing what is right or wrong, to be surrounded with people who decide on their own and who are responsible for their actions. That you need to ask for your parent's approval in almost everything that you do is not something I understand. I am really sorry. I am not asking and will never ask you to disobey your parents for any reason, I won't interfere with that. I just think that you have to learn to be more responsible and independent than you are now. And I think, you have to learn that on your own. I, on the other hand, need someone who is more independent and whose personality jives with mine.

I believe that we both lack the right initiatives to make the relationship work. I feel that your efforts are not enough. Although I understand that you are in a difficult situation, that it is hard for you to do the things that you want to do, I believe that if you really want to, there's always a way. You may not agree with me, but most of the time, you are just doing things that are convenient to you. It hurts me a lot to realize that you are not going out of your way to make this work. On the other hand, I admit that I have my own shortcomings. I am guilty of the same.

I'm saying these not to blame you nor to explain my shortcomings. I just want you to hear what I have to say, to understand me in some way. In the end, I think it only boils down to the fact that I am no longer happy with our relationship. I am already clouded with disappointments and my own shortcomings that I know I will no longer become the good girlfriend that I want to be and that you deserve. I want to give up now, while I still have good memories to bring with me and while we have not yet suffered so much. I know within me that at this point, our relationship will no longer work and the only way to save it is to let it go. I think that it is time for both of us to move on. I have a life to chase and you have a life to live. You are still young and I am sure that you'll meet a lot of people that will mold you into the person you are destined to be. Maybe someday our paths will cross again, and who knows what will happen then? Maybe we could be together again, or maybe I'll be chasing after you. Maybe by then you have forgotten about me and met someone more worthy of your love. Someone who will love you more than I do right now, the way you need and deserve to be loved. We may never know, until we move on and live our lives.

I want you to be happy, to let go of your baggage. I want you to love yourself, to appreciate life, to find happiness in the things that surround you.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me become part of your life and your family. Thank you for the kindness you showed me. Thank you for everything and I really hope that you may understand me and we can be friends. Goodbye and till we meet again..