It was the first email I opened when I got to the office. As I was reading thru it, I could hear my heart beating fast.. each word echoes repeatedly in my head. I can't breathe...
Happiness, regret, sadness, bliss, confusion and pain... all at once. For a moment, I thought it was a special letter, a poem he came across somewhere. For a few minutes, I completely believed it was all what he wanted to tell me.
Realization came pouring. Just how much was I longing for this instance. A moment of confirmation, of confession. How I wanted to be secured that our feelings are mutual. Just for a few minutes, I was finally happy. But within a fingersnap, an unbearable pain. Pain... knowing, we can't be together. Pain.. thinking of how much he could be suffering. I had to breathe so deep to keep the tears from falling.
But at the back of my mind, there was a tiny voice asking me to stop my wishful thinking, to wake up to reality. It just won't happen. I know I'm missing something. It's just too good to be true.
I tried hard to remember that time. Where were we then? I know he was telling me something about this. Was it inside the car? On our way back from the coffee shop or the day after on our way to the expo? What was he telling me about So Close? Is it a poem? A song perhaps?
I need to know. I immediately searched for the words on the internet. I found out that it was a song from the movie Enchanted. The song played when the princess and her love were dancing but ended up in different arms.
Some memories are coming back now.. in puzzles.. But still, I can't remember our conversation. I still can't remember if it was on our way home or to the expo. It matters that I remember, but I can't and it frustrates me. I do remember something, vaguely. I think he asked me if I received his email. Was it this email? Or was it a different email. Did he mention it because he related it to a song being played at that moment? Have I gotten the details of our conversations mixed up? I know it was while listening to the radio or the MP3 player.
I was scrambling thru my thoughts. I was so confused. I can feel my heart being crushed. I need to know. The fast beating of my heart only means one thing. I still have feelings for him. But just as it is in the movie, I know it won't be a happy ending. I can't be with him. I am with someone else now and he's a really great guy and I love him. But my love for him is wavering. It was a dilemma. I wouldn't know what to do. The confusion is just too much to take.
Then, I woke up to reality. Why am I torturing myself with such confusion, with such thoughts, when Im not even sure if I got the message right. Was there even a message at all? Maybe, it was simply a supplement for an innocent conversation we had last time. I realized I was just fooling myself. I don't need to know. I just need to wake up.
As I slowly come back to my rational thoughts, I can't help but feel empty. Once again... the words lost their meaning.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
So Close
You're In My Arms
And All The World is Calm
The Music playing on for only two
So Close Together
And when I'm With You
So Close to Feeling Alive.
A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever i know
All that i wanted is to hold you
So close
So close to reaching that famous happy ending
Almost believing this one's not pretend
And Now you're beside me and look how far we've come
So far, We are, So close
And How I could i face the faceless days
If I should lose you now
We're so close
To reaching that famous happy ending
Almost believing this ones not pretend
Let's go on, on dreaming for we know
We Are
So Close
So Close
And Still so far
